Did you know
that
I
still
think
and
dream
about you?

I miss you...I miss you so much...

Please don't misunderstand me.
You would think 'stalker'...I know that you wouldn't know how to react.
I try to hide myself so much now.

I think about how I acted toward you and I am ashamed
but I will never know if it would have been different had I acted differently.

You were the world to me...
and maybe you still are.

I invested my heart in you
and there you remain to me.

I miss you.

You're like family to me.
You're my friend.

I love you...nobody has replaced you.

You'll go on with your life...
maybe there will be a time when things will seem as if I'll never see you again.
You'll get married, have kids, become an accomplished artist.

But the moment I hear about you at all, I know my heart will sing.

If only I could see you again, just one more time.

It would mean the world to me.

You are special to me and I will never be able to explain to you why.

You were put on my heart for a reason--at least that I know.

...

I love you and I've tried to forget about you, but I can't.
You are one out of over six billion and nobody can replace you.
You're my brother, my family, my friend...I miss you...

--

I primp and paint. I wash with perfumes and straighten my hair.
But I'm not trying to impress anyone...
I am like an actor on the stage...Day in and day out, I am the little german lady in the cu-cu clock.

...

My other friends from back then treated me so cruelly, but with you
I could be myself...even though there was a time when I was afraid that you
wouldn't like me anymore.
One day, it didn't matter anymore. What mattered was that I loved you.

I had a friend who tried to steal that away from me.
My will to love you was constantly challenged, but I wanted to preservere for you.
I chose to face and endure that pain. I want you to know that it was my choice.
Yes, I did bend
But I didn't break.

--

You and I were created by the same God.
You are prescious--more valuable than anything on this earth.
You and your family--each of you.

I wish so much that I could have gotten to know each of you.

I want to know more about you and hear all the stories you have to tell.

Unless my memory fails me, I'll never forget you. You are my dearest friend.
You said once that you never had a best friend, but you were a best friend to me.

--

I know you have a good humble heart.
There is no way that God is not doing something amazing in your life.

God keeps his promises...someday, you will find the one who truly loves you.
You told me yourself once in a dream.

That one is God.

You were...and are in my life for a reason.

When will I see you again?

this
is
a
test.
TEST.blahblahblah
blahblahblah.

Trust my word.

I will not let you down.

Although I am only human,
my hope of seeing you again
gives me greater strength.

I am in the mercy of my God.
Only through Him would I ever
meet You again.

My body is weak and loses
energy.
I will someday fall and become
dust again.

But You will always have my God.

Maybe

the reason I'm so afraid of losing him
over the years that pass by is because
I admire him...

When I see him, I see myself and who I
could
be

but

am

not.


I'm in love.
Love is like being voluntarily hit by a
bullet train after someone told you it's
like being hugged by a million pink bears.
You don't think it all the way through.
People always tell you,
"Imagine:
A MILLION bears hugging you at the same time.
Sounds fucking painful."
But you always waltz on to the station.
When they're peeling you off the track, then
you realize too late that it may not have been
worth it.

The truth is that it's worth it.
Truth hurts.

+


There is a tide in the affairs of men
Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.



With the inhale comes the

Exhale



A field, after the harvest, goes barren
only to be found bountiful again in the
next

Season



Why is change so hard to accept?
Rejection
Pain
Fear
The Change.
To transcend without becoming a stoic.
To live again.


I am putting everything behind me.
Everything I posess was given to me.
When I came into this world, I only had my life.
And when I go back, I will only have my life.
Therefore thus,

I let
go.
Not to glorify myself but to glorify God
so that I can truly grow to understand.

I am suffering right now.
My pain is immense
because I can't hear my Lord anymore.

I am confused and discouraged.

So I am getting rid of the things that distract me.

Nothing will atone for the only worldly posession I desire
and I condemn myself for it.
But soon I will be freed.
My heart will truly be broken.
And that will never matter as much again.
People come and go, but I have seen it all.
There is nothing else to see.

So then I will be free, go my own way, and never forget.

Once he and everyone else leaves, I won't feel judged.
I will be free to be myself.
He may forget me, but I am satisfied that I will never forget him.
If God wills it, I will meet him again.
I have met and lost someone that wanted to truly know and love,
I wanted to understand him,
but now I will not be afraid of others.
If someone is to find me, God will make it happen.
I will never look again.

Nasty
Brutish
and
Short.

I see the reflection of my soul projected onto a white sheet
and
I am sickened to the bone.



If I could be stricken down.
If somebody would slay this beast that rules inside me.
Please save me.

Not all odds are against me.

Picture this.

Destiny.
Glory.
Fame.
Money.

I got caught up in the wave.
I got caught up in a TV show
where horrible shit happens
like people dying of rare African
sicknesses in New York and
friends from the internet get
raped and murdered by secretly
gay nerdy jocks.

I painted a picture in my head
over and over.
Got the lines perfectly,
but it was so ugly and plain
like my life.
Like me.

God sent his message to me.
He told me that I was hiding my heart there
in that hideous thing.
He said I was hiding behind that television screen.

It was like waking up from a nightmare about a
Japanese variety show marathon subtitled in Greek.

Not even Heracles was willing to take up Atlas's burden.

As my dearest grandmother would say,
Lazy, stupid, and born under the wrong flag.
How I wish I could prove her wrong...
That her hammer of 'infinite wisdom' would stop tapping
to bring order to her court of momes.
If only I could bring Blaze back from the dead,
I would tell him everything and he would be
shocked.

Curro sum. Semper currero.


It was the serotonin.
It was the endorphines.
It was the chocolate.
It was the oxytosin.
The Proximity.
The similarity.
猫にこばん。。。
Ashes to ashes.

Little judges trek around me in their pretty robes and wigs.
They put on their glasses (and even he has a pair himself)
and take out their notebooks and tell me how I feel
as I lie on a smelly old couch as Christmas
music plays in the classroom and teacher
plays her Nintendo DS paying no mind
to me as they explain to me in
plain broken accented
english that I could
have never been
in love.


I could have never actually been in love and I need to find
someone else because I'm just lying to myself and incredibly
despairate so that I would not find anyone else to go to the
pretty dance with. And furthermore it would be so easy to find
another guy because there are so many squinty eyed rice eaters
around here. She says that she likes him but she is just hiding
her fetish for asian guys and repressing her desire for anime
and videogames and Pocky and costumes and lazers and shiney
buttons and Japanese girly-faced pop singer boys. It was such
a shame that she didn't ask that other asian guy (isn't he
Chinese or something?) to the prom because she totally has a
thing for him because she talks to him alot and helps him find
an ideal date. This only conceals her sexual drive as a young
dumb American white female and she needs to get it through her
head that this one guy she has been focusing and obsessing over
is probably a homosexual that hates her because she is so stupid
and clingy and weird as fuck. She needs to totally forget about
him because he is a horrible guy that will never grow up or
realize who he is but will probably become a successful rich
doctor somewhere far away. The only reason she wants
to be a missionary there is so she can go to Japan and gawk at
asian guys all day and play videogames and hunt down Miyamoto
and watch Sailor Moon reruns and poop in pits for toilets.
She is so overreacting about the stupid prom and should leave
him alone because he feels weird going with her. She is a weirdo.
She's not funny. She's ugly. He's ugly. They're ugly. They would
make a perfect couple, but it's a match made in hell and her best
friend is totally trying to cheat on her boyfriend with her. She
is stupid because she thinks that that girl was flirting with him.
Why would she feel jealous? Why would she be so upset that he would
not go with her when she could just go ask anyone else in the world?
China's population, after all, is in the billions, isn't it?
He's just stupid, get over it.


Shut the fuck up and STOP JUDGING ME.
DID YOU EVER REALLY BOTHER TO KNOW THE REAL ME?



God...
I pray for somebody who wants to know me.
Until then, I must pluck the day while it is still
ripe on the vine.


This is my testimony in my defense...
I want to know you when you figure out who you are.
I can't help you figure that out, but neither can anyone else.
I have no such feelings for anyone else as I have for you.
If you ever think of me again when you leave, I hope you think of me fondly if at all.
Please forgive me for making you uncomfortable.
The only thing I want from you now is a promise of your friendship.
Don't cut me off forever just because I am undesirable...

//
love
friendship
kindness
compassion

surely they exist!
If not, I will make them exist.


Accusations and attacks...meaningless...meaningless...
Everyone is selfish, as I shall become.
As I am damned to be as human.

This is what weakness is.

Therefore, I must go against tides,
let the world be,
advise those who seek me only...

It is not an easy path.
I struggle and writhe under the pressure and stress
as if on a skillet
to feed others' ridiculous ambitions...

I hope they find the taste to be unpleasant
my postmortem vengeance...
I shall gradually leave them,
depart on my own lonely path.

I hope I can be as happy as him.
My favorite artist. My favorite person.
Just to have things, not worry about money
even when it's time to grit my teeth.
Just enjoy life as I work as hard as I can
doing something I truly care about.
To bring to my society refinement and true knowledge.
To bring wisdom when I am old.
To have a place to go back to
When I sacrifice my place now.

Am I running ?

Yes.

...

Words aren't enough.
I've said too much already...